Friday Fictioneers 11/30/12


This is Rochelle’s sixth week hosting Friday Fictioneers and my third week. I am enjoying it so much, and the community/family is unbelievable.

Copyright-Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Safety

I kept running; glancing over my shoulder often.
If only I could get to one of the tourist streets. There would be people there. My heart pounded in my chest. He would stop chasing, if I could get to the street. I need to get to Main Street.
Tourists would be out, looking at the beautiful lights. I stopped on the sidewalk. The cold air burned my lungs, now that I could breathe regularly again. The man down the street turned to look at me, and shook his head.
Something grabbed me from behind and pulled me into the dark alley.

Total word count: 101

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56 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers 11/30/12

  1. Hi Mari,
    Good chase scene, genuine feelings of terror. Don’t want to think about what happened in that alley. Ron

  2. Oh, no!! This is not a Christmas present. It’s a genuine Friday Fictioneers horror story!!

  3. Ah, a good guy or a bad guy pulling her into the alley? Guess we’ll need a longer piece to learn her fate. Good job.

  4. glossarch says:

    What a tourist horror story! Wonder why the narrator was being chased.

  5. rich says:

    now you’re either saved from something or doomed by something. good luck!

  6. Dark and creepy nightmarish Christmas story. I suppose there should be at least one. Congrats on your 3rd week.

  7. boomiebol says:

    oh oh…horror awaits in that alley i am sure, very well done Mari

  8. Dear Mari,

    As with Danny Bowman’s honeycomb in wax paper, the enigmatic way you have the man shake his head really gave your story another layer of mystery and terror. What is going on? Stepford town? A spooky good tale.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  9. Another excellent story! I agree about the man shaking his head… very intriguing. I wasn’t sure, though, if he was the man chasing her or someone else. At first I thought he was her pursuer, and maybe he had been trying to keep her from the evil in the alley, then I wasn’t so sure. Anyhow, great work!

  10. yerpirate says:

    High tension there – yes, the details are wonderful.

  11. Can’t figure out why the other vote was one star – I think it was an accident.
    Good Story!
    Scott
    Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/friday-fictioneers-8/

  12. Sandra says:

    Truly eerie, and a really effective sense of being chased. That man shaking his head did it for me…

  13. claireful says:

    I agree, it was that line that made the whole thing so much more sinister. Is he in on the plot; is the whole world in on the plot?

  14. Oh, no! Not the alley. I hope the other guy, if he’s nice, can step into help. Nice story!

  15. brudberg says:

    Love that something grabbed here. Definitely makes it even more creepy.

  16. I could feel the adrenaline in your story. Well written.

  17. Dear Mari,
    It’s amazing how fast it goes by. Three weeks. Before you know it, it will be months. I started in April and was hooked straightaway.
    As for your story. Wow. Evocative for me. I wanted to deck the guy who just stood there and shook his head. By not wanting to get involved he made himself an accessory. Very well told.
    shalom,
    Rochelle

    • mari wells says:

      Thank you.
      It seems like the weeks are flying by.

      The sad part of this story isn’t whatever happens to the girl but that the onlooker doesn’t help and most people in the world won’t or don’t help anymore.

  18. billgncs says:

    excellent, sounds like this was not random, the chaser pushed her into the trap. What did they need from her? Too much planning involved for this to be random violence.

    • mari wells says:

      The pursuer knows these alleys better than the back of his hand. He has been following her for some time. She was special in that she doesn’t have family who would look for her if she disappeared.

  19. Great job! Ditto to everything above, so I’m not even going to reiterate the creepiness, tension, adrenaline and frustration at the head shaker you provoked ;-).

    • mari wells says:

      Thank you so very much for your kind comment.

      Thank you everyone for your kind and wonderful comments. You all make the inner critic shut her mouth and do the ego good!

  20. Anne Orchard says:

    Well done Mari, great tension and left me wanting to know what happens next, just like the best chapter-end cliffhangers.

  21. paulaacton says:

    So may places this could go though I fear none of them bode well for your runner

  22. Debra Kristi says:

    My heart is pounding and my throat is dry. That’s a good sign. What will happen next. Oh my. Well scripted.

  23. Oh no! Just when I thought she’d reached safety. Glad to meet you and glad you’ve joined the Fictioneers!

  24. Nice atmospheric story with a truly shocking twist ending. Good job!

  25. Joyce says:

    A very frightening and realistic kind of story. Every detail and image is there to make it work. Very good one, Mari.

  26. Abraham says:

    I like the way it starts with action right from the beginning.

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