Assylum-Friday Fictoneers 11/23/12


This week’s Friday Fictioneers picture is from Joyce Johnson

I really enjoyed this last week. Thank you, Friday Fictioneers for welcoming me so warmly!

Copyright Joyce Johnson

**Assylum**

Father and Uncle Tom each held one of my arms. They dragged me down the sidewalk.

“It should be around here,” Father said.

They continued to drag me farther down the road.

Uncle Tom tilted his head towards the bronze figures in the wall. “Just a little farther.”

I looked up. “No!” I screamed, “Please, don’t take me there.” I tried to pull away from them. They both gripped my arms tighter.

“Please behave,” Father said, “If they don’t think you should be there, you will be released quickly.”

“No! Please, Father, I’m not crazy!”

Word count: 95

Edited to fix grammar.

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45 thoughts on “Assylum-Friday Fictoneers 11/23/12

  1. boomiebol says:

    Oh not fair…I hope they release her. Very well one Mari and under 100 words too :). Thanks for always stopping by my little cornet.

    Hugs

  2. Nice, Mari! This one is scary, isn’t it? I like this one. The sculptures have some kind of supernatural power over people. Good job! I’m going to try to do one, too, but I’m behind on my NaNo. I’ll see.

  3. R. E. Hunter says:

    So that explains the crazy smile 8^). Good one, Mari.

  4. Sandra says:

    That was very frightening, well done. I think you need a comma splitting the last two sentences the father says, making it one.

    • Just to follow up on this, you could have it several different ways:

      “No! Please, Father, I’m not crazy!”
      “No! Please, Father. I’m not crazy!”
      “No, please, Father. I’m not crazy!”
      “No, please, Father, I’m not crazy!”

      So many choices, so little time. 🙂

      But no “Please” if it’s part of one sentence. In that case, you need a lower case/small “p”.

      Be all that as it may, your story gave off a nice vibe of fear and as Rochelle mentions, wondering about the back story as well as what will happen next.

      • mari wells says:

        Thank you.
        I was aiming for the second one. Sorry for my improper grammar.

      • I hope you don’t mind me saying something. I’m never quite sure if I should, but since the subject had already been broached… I still appreciated your story, though. 🙂

      • mari wells says:

        No, Thank you for telling me. I will admit that at times I’m writing so fast that I don’t catch my grammar mishaps. I appreciate you telling me. I don’t remember how I wrote what I did and so I had to go check it after looking at the options you gave me.
        Please feel free to make note of any corrections when you see the need. I know I can always learn something new. You were kind in your corrections and I understood you offering them to make my writing better and I am grateful to for taking the time to do so.

  5. I certainly feel your MC’s frustration and fear. This leaves me with lots of questions…like why they’re dragging her there in the first place. Looks like the beginning of something intriguing and much larger. 🙂

  6. Cindy Marsch says:

    I really like it that it’s Father and Uncle Tom dragging her–not some faceless orderlies in white uniforms such as we’re used to seeing. Father has a lovely polite formality (Victorian?) and Uncle Tom’s head tilt toward the “sign” is spot-on. Very nice.

    Here’s mine: http://wrasselings.blogspot.com/2012/11/friday-fictioneers-press-conference.html

  7. This story brought smiles to my face….Thanks for sharing

  8. Hi Mari,
    That face does look like it belongs in an asylum. Creative take on the photo! Ron

  9. writeondude says:

    Well done, Mari. We have a scene like that whenever one of the children has to go to the dentist!

  10. That would totally be a sign for the asylum! At first I wasn’t sure if it would be as bad as she feared, but it was. Good call.

  11. Brenda says:

    HUM…. I will be in the Asylum for the rest of the day. Thinking about all that could happen there.

  12. Brenda Ruiz says:

    this could be a story!!  good job!

    ________________________________

  13. brudberg says:

    A nice new touch story indeed. The asylum touch fits so well with that pained grin.

  14. brudberg says:

    BTW I wrote a gothic sonnet about her night in the asylum a couple of weeks ago http://brudberg.wordpress.com/2012/10/15/the-visitor/

  15. tedstrutz says:

    Wow. That was a tough story.

  16. Oh, I liked this a lot! I don’t know what your intent was, but it seems like maybe she ISN’T crazy and Father knows this, but HAS to take her… maybe there’s some creepy utopian funk going on. I can see this developing into a full length novel – a sane girl admitted to the government asylum against her and her family’s wishes, her struggles to remain sane, to break free, to save her world from an evil, humanity-suppressing government/entity…

    • mari wells says:

      Thank you. She did demand more of her story written. I took it out to something around 1,500 words. I don’t know if I would want to take it farther or into a novel. My beta readers have asked for more, but I don’t really know if I want to go farther into her life. I should sit to a side, and thing about it more while I work on my other WIPs.

  17. Susan Keene says:

    Good job. new approach

  18. Dear Mari,

    That is a harrowing walk you described. your story packed a punch. Well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  19. The asylum is that-a-way! Crazy fingers and crazy faces point the way to crazy places.

    I liked feeling her sense of desperation and fear, and her father’s deadpan logic.

    Good job with the feelings.

    Randy

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